Grief, Loss, and Shame
Some of the most transformational, not to mention, painful losses for me and for many I have known who have been in treatment with me, have not been around death and dying, but the more mundane losses. These losses do not have rituals, religious or secular, prescribed for them. There is no public acknowledgement, no condolence cards, no meals arriving at the door, not even people being especially nice to you for awhile. These losses may come with secrecy and shame even an intense loneliness: a feeling that no one else has had this happen to them. Ever.
Losing a job in a lay off may come with shame. Having a child that does not go to college, or fails in college, might be experienced as both a crushing loss and something to be borne in secret. Parents whose children act in ways very contrary to their values or to the values of their family and community experience shame. Some parents whose children declare their love for same sex partners may experience a whole host of very painful feelings. Even illness can have this aspect of shame attached to it. Individuals who are very proud of their health, their athleticism, their good looks, and their good luck can experience shame when they become ill... Read more